My roommate and I are at war. She just doesn’t know it yet.
There’s a speed-bump-sized lump of dust beneath our rug. If you spilled coffee on our tablecloth, it’d get cleaner. The dishes she left in the sink are supporting their own ecosystems.
It’s a wonder I haven’t called in the National Guard. But I believe in giving everyone a second chance, and also in taking revenge personally.
It’s not that I haven’t lived with roommates before. A brief comment generally suffices to clear up the most common issues.
As in, “Please don’t water the succulents every week.” Or “If you’re studying late, could you turn down the lights?”
Or “If you turn on the vacuum at three in the morning again, I will saw it into pieces and mix it into your cereal.”
Usually they get the message. This one doesn’t. So I’m forced to consider different strategies.
I know I’m a stickler. If I was wound any tighter, I’d speak in squeaks. If I had things my way, the place would look as clean as the apartments you see on television: like no one lives there.
That’s because I wouldn’t live there. I’d be out in my houseboat, drinking in sunshine and fresh air.
I can’t afford a houseboat, but I can afford a small suite if someone splits the bill. With such an arrangement, I realize that there has to be a certain amount of give and take.
For example, she takes my groceries, and I give her the okay.
But no longer. I’ve been polite long enough. I’ve mucked out the compost bin that is our bathtub one too many times. Today, this ends.
Okay, maybe not today, but whenever I come up with a strategy. Look, this isn’t easy.
Copyright 2024 Alexandra Paskhaver, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.