My family has decided to buy a new car, if by “decided” we mean “opened tactical negotiations.”
Me, I’m not fussy. All I want is something safe. I want a car where if another car crashes into it, they’d be totaled, whereas all I’d get is a dent in the fender.
I’d give bonus points to anything that could actually remove unsafe drivers from the road. Something that can get a big snow plow attached to it, or better yet, a turret.
Okay, fine. I’ll say it. I want a tank. If I see a driver swerving across three lanes without signaling, I’d just smash a button and boom! They wouldn’t be swerving anymore.
I think giving tanks to the responsible drivers among us would actually improve road safety. Trouble is, tanks don’t get too many miles to the gallon.
My brother doesn’t share my appreciation for 60-ton vehicles, no matter their safety rating. He’s more of the tech nut of the family, so he’s all for investing in a Tesla.
With a Tesla, I’ve heard you can play Mario Kart while you’re parked. You can twiddle your steering wheel and race other drivers and blow ‘em off the road.
I told my brother you can do the same thing in real life with a tank, but he didn’t buy it.
My parents weren’t keen on either of our ideas. For one, a tank wouldn’t fit in the garage.
For two, we don’t have one of those special socket things you need to charge an electric vehicle. After a couple of days, any Tesla we bought would just be a $60,000 hunk of metal taking up valuable space.
Garage space is expensive. If we decide to remove some decades-old bags of mulch and throw out some of the other stuff we’re keeping in there (you never know when you’ll need a king-size mattress) to accommodate a new car, it better be worth it.
Like a Toyota 4Runner. That’s my dad’s favorite car, and it’s the one the family currently drives.
I don’t understand why we have one. We don’t hitch it to mobile homes. We don’t use it to haul livestock. We don’t even go off-road with it.
All we do with this pseudo-truck is drive to the grocery store and back. My sister would rather trade it in for some bicycles.
But Dad’s against it. Bicycles can’t withstand projectiles. But a 4Runner might.
Mom would prefer something smaller than our truck. Maybe a Honda or a Subaru. Something small enough to slip into the garage alongside the mattress and the 27 bags of mulch.
But we have five people in our family, plus a dog. And if you’ve ever joined us for a holiday, you’d understand that we need at least 6 inches between every person in the car to prevent all-out war.
This narrows down our options. I don’t even think a 4Runner is that roomy.
If we want that kind of space between us, there’s only one option. We’ll buy six bicycles.
Sure, it won’t be easy for the dog to learn to ride one. But he’d probably drive safer than some of the lunatics on the highway.
Maybe we should give him a tank.
Copyright 2024 Alexandra Paskhaver, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.
