An argument against abolishing Halloween

Some people argue that we should ban Halloween. And I would raise my pitchfork and follow them, were it not for a few considerations.
Let us be clear. I am not a massive fan of Halloween. There are better holidays, like Christmas or Talk Like a Pirate Day. Even so, Halloween should stick around.
Stickiness happens to be one of the stronger arguments against it. Parents complain that all that candy gives their kids cavities. And then it gives them cavities.
Not because the adults steal the candy. My mom and dad always denied it, anyhow. Parents just get cavities by association.
The fact that high candy consumption might cause teeth to lose their points is certainly a strong point against Halloween.
But without all those cavities, how would dentists make a living? Abolishing Halloween would mean throwing nine out of 10 dental professionals out of work.
As someone who carefully follows employment statistics only when I have nothing to read in the dentist’s office, I cannot justify this risk.
And let’s not forget the excess of Halloween costumes stuffed in the closets of children across the nation.
Even I still have my old clown getup, though I haven’t gone trick-or-treating for over a decade.
If we did away with Halloween, to whom would we give those scary costumes? To the armed forces?
According to Professor Google, the U.S. boasts about 2 million military personnel and 72 million children.
Unless each service member got 36 costumes, canceling Halloween would lead to a ton of waste. We try to be an environmentally friendly country, at least when it suits us. So we can’t have that.
But Halloween doesn’t just prevent waste and unemployment in the dental sector. The holiday teaches kids valuable lessons.

Sure, now they’re going door to door asking strangers for treats. But how else would they learn to work in government?
The child who scoops the entire bowl you left out into a pillowcase instead of just taking one chocolate is the next billionaire businessman.
As for the teenagers who splatter eggs on your house and festoon your trees with toilet paper? They’re the Jackson Pollocks of their generation.
It follows that banning Halloween would deprive our society of the salutary presence of politicians, tycoons, and modern artists.
I don’t know about you, but that’s definitely—I mean, definitely NOT—an America I’d want to live in.
Lastly, some folks propose scratching Halloween from our calendars would enable us to celebrate something more worthwhile.
They say we could replace it with a day for commemorating medical workers. Or dogs with floppy ears. Or mothers.
Mother’s Day is already a thing, but one day isn’t really enough to make them feel appreciated. At least my mother gives me that impression.
But if we abolish one holiday, who knows where it will end? We could lose Christmas. Or Talk Like a Pirate Day. Worst of all, we could lose Saturdays and Sundays.
Even if it only commemorates the countless attempts by countless human beings to raise their blood sugar levels beyond anything measurable by scientific instruments, we should keep Halloween.
If for no other reason, then for this: I need something to guilt me into seeing my dentist.

Copyright 2024 Alexandra Paskhaver, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.