The best ‘80s movie that isn’t

I miss the eighties. I wasn’t alive in the eighties, but I still miss them. There were good things on television. Music was more varied. Best of all, everyone’s hair was fluffy.
Those were good times. Well, maybe not for bald people.
Nowadays it feels like we only get lame superhero sequels or lame live-action Disney movies or other kinds of lame entertainment. I could describe them all with one word: bad.
It’s time for an old, yet bold concept. It’s time for a new, yet nostalgic film.
It’s time that “Alien” met “Air Bud.” In suburbia, no one can hear you score.
If one film is from the ‘70s and the other is from the ‘90s, I have a recipe for an ‘80s-level box office smash. Here’s how I think it should go.
First, we meet a traditional American family. In the true spirit of the ‘80s, all of them have great hair. The kids also have an evil stepmother, because that’s the standard recipe for a Disney film.
Plus, if their parents were astronauts who died in mysterious circumstances, that adds what we movie buffs call foreshadowing.
The kids wish on a falling star that they get a dog. But the falling star is actually the thing Ripley blew out of her ship at the end of “Alien.”
Its impact breaks open a dog pound and releases a golden retriever who looks like he’s named Buddy. But for copyright reasons, we’ll call him Fluffy.
He finds the kids and fulfills their wish. Somewhere in the ruins of the dog pound, the alien stirs…
The kids realize Fluffy has the amazing ability to play basketball at the same time as tons of extras realize the alien loves the taste of human beings.
Just before being snacked on, one of these unmemorable actors puts a call through to the town’s mayor, an ex-SWAT team commander, begging him to send help.
The mayor doesn’t answer, because he’s at the local middle school’s basketball game. But our protagonists can’t play because their evil stepmother has locked them in the house.

The alien, meanwhile, climbs through an unsecured window. It’s followed Fluffy from the dog pound and wants to vary up its diet.
As the situation escalates, the mayor realizes something is wrong and rallies his old SWAT buddies. They follow the alien.
As the creature prowls about the house, the kids must figure out how to escape and make it to the game.
Because they’re the “Air Bud” kind of kids, they probably won’t even realize they’re being hunted.
Not until their genius dog points out the big teethy thing that’s admiring a photograph of the kids’ long-gone yet delicious parents.
With the power of family and basketball, Fluffy and the kids knock the alien into the basement, lock the door, and sprint to the big game. There’s still time to win.
Just after the kids leave, the SWAT team blows up their house in an epic explosion. But the alien survives. Duh.
With no one able to stop it, the alien bursts into the basketball game. And then we realize… we’ve misunderstood it.
It didn’t come to Earth just to eat people. It came to Earth to play basketball.
Everyone discovers that creatures of all kinds can live together in harmony and make the world a better, sportier place.
Fluffy and the kids score baskets while the alien eats the opposing team, and in a heartwarming scene, polishes off the evil stepmother.
Later, the kids adopt the alien, and the happy American family (now including the more sympathetic members of the SWAT team) goes off to win more championships.
Is it good enough to be an ‘80s film? Only the reviews will tell.

Copyright 2024 Alexandra Paskhaver, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.