It turns out getting fired takes a lot more effort than I’m willing to put into a job.
It takes skill, you know. You have to build up to it. When I tried it, I made the usual mistakes.
I opened with the “do nothing” gambit. Based on my typing patterns, I rewired my keyboard to reduce finger movement. I even calculated the lowest frequency at which I needed to blink.
Last week, three people tapped my nose to check if I was still alive. I thought for sure that would do it.
But somehow I convinced my boss my work is so valuable that I must delegate displaying vital functions to someone further down the hierarchy.
What do you need to do to get canned? Drop water balloons on the CEO from the mezzanine?
Whatever it needs, it’s more difficult than it has to be. Look, I just want to collect some severance and go on vacation. I don’t see why I need a better reason.
After my earlier effort failed, I thought it might be a matter of communication. Perhaps it isn’t appropriate anymore to tell someone they’re getting the boot, the axe, or just plain sacked.
Maybe my boss was taking the time to think up a new, kinder, more tactful expression.
Such as, “you have been promoted to a new role at a different company that you have to find.”
So I honed my ears. I became fluent in business-speak. I attended all the meetings, even the optional ones, because I didn’t want to miss the big moment. Also because there were donuts.
Copyright 2024 Alexandra Paskhaver, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.